My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
A bitchslap is in order.
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