You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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