Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
