dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Who died my cat blue again?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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