if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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