We named our party play list daddy issues
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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