There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
