dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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