went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
