Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Randomize
