I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
