dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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