I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
