I wish I could teleport
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
