Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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