Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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