She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He shit in the fireplace
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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