I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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