can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
