This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Ladies don't puke and tell
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
