Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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