Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
