I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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