so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
