Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
