i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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