Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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