Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
