Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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