mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
