Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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