More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
