sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
