dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
