I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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