if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
