It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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