I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
