I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
