I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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