now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
His nipple licking is glorious
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