Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
