when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
