i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
