He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How naked do you want me to be?
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