I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
