so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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