On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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