our cab driver is having phone sex.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
