remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
