I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
