The best revenge is premature balding
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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