last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
