Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Who died my cat blue again?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
