You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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