Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
