Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
