yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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