You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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