So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
